Oh My Beautiful Sinner!
Pillowtalking at dinner when your phone rings,
You pretend not to hear- she pretends not to care
You both know who’s calling.
You check your watch as the ticking clock tenses her up
The very clock thats reminds you that I get off at 8
You’ve got 30 seconds to explain yourself
You’ve got 30 minutes to pick me up. What do you do?
With a seamless lie and a kiss to her goodbye
You’re scott-free and off to see me.
A front row seat at this dinner for two
She’s reminiscing “Remember this…” you tell her you do
All night I watched you smile at her while checking your watch
You knew exactly where you wanted to be- you always have.
So now am I upset? Bitter? Do I wanna cry?
Why? Does crying change anything?
Not after you’ve watched your heartbreak live
I’m not sad. I’m not bitter. I’m not even surprised.
You see, this ain’t a get back story
More like a “How I got my sense back” story
Even dinner tables turn, and as I’ve recently learned
He’s not the least bit concerned if I hurt or not.
At home I hold up a dress from a date we never had
As I’m cutting off the tags I begin to laugh
It feels good to not give a damn
You’ve enjoyed your date and now mine is at the door.
And I won’t say one bad word on your name
Not one mention of your games or lies
I’ll just watch him smile and keep checking my watch
Because I know you’re getting off at 5….
Even dinner tables turn.
“Don’t we all write about love? When men do it, it’s a political comment. When women do it, it’s just a love story”
~ Chimamanda Ngozi Adichie
I can hear her laugh, she’s always so happy
here she comes up the hallway now
pitter-patter little penguin, walk so freely like little creatures do
You’re gonna grow up to be so beautiful.
From the moment they spoke of your existence
Daddy and Mommy couldn’t wait to meet you
preparations for the Princess, we have it all ready
Too much is not enough.
Daddy likes to rub my belly, you always kick for him
“My two favorite girls” he always says
Kisses for the two of us and he’s off to work
Oh, how I love that man- how could I not?
How could I not see…
“It’s your fault, I haven’t touched you in weeks”
That’s how he talks tonight.
You’re uncomfortable in there, you can tell that Mommy’s sad
I sing the song I made for you… Go to sleep, Angel.
“I don’t know if I’m cut out for this, I can’t even stick to one person!”
Excuses running on the power of illusion- tricks of the mind
Like the kind that tell you love is blind, but it isn’t
you had 20/20 vision and ignored the signs.
Oh, how I love that man- How could I?
How could he ever just love me- does he even love you?
I know that I do. . .or do I?
Did I only make you because I loved him? I didn’t think this through.
Do I do what’s best for me? But what does that mean for you?
The lights are so bright here,
“One-two-three” I count them as I roll down the hallway.
There are machines everywhere, and girls
what are all of these girls doing here?
“Pro choice, lift your voice” the commercial on the TV yells
I feel a cramp in my stomach as I remember where I am
My stomach! Its a bottomless pit- I’ve never been more ashamed
I feel so many things-especially sadness. Can you tell?
I sing the song I made for you. . .Go to sleep, Angel.
Maybe I didn’t deserve this…
Is that all I have to say for myself? Should I say anything at all?
Nobody deserved anything that they didn’t get- except you.
My mind is gone- It took off with all of my money- or did I spend it on Vodka?
I don’t remember anything anymore. . . Only trying to fill my stomach.
See I figured if I fill my stomach to the brim, It’ll still feel like you’re there
But vodka makes me feel numb and now I can’t tell if I’m full.
It doesn’t matter anyway I’ll always be empty-Except when I dream.
When I dream I see you, my little girl.
I can hear your laugh, your little stomping feet
pitter-patter in my dreams like little creatures do
You’re gonna grow up to be so beautiful…
It all happened so fast, he was there
right place perfect time
looking back on it now I’ve realized
from the moment he saw me, he’s been trying to make me smile.
Perfection is defined by imperfect words
so I’ll say that he’s different, but not bizarre
he wants to know about every piece, every little piece
of every part of the jigsaw that is me.
I don’t wear pain as if it’s a badge- not my style
but as he pieces together the puzzle, he knows that I’ve been hurt
He wants to overwhelm me with his love, but he deserves better
I’m a mess and the more he cleans the worse I feel.
I want to be someone else for him, someone clean
a pretty girl, one with a nice voice, one that’s always happy
How do I change without becoming a different person altogether?
Maybe my puzzle is too complicated.
Maybe he loves me too. Should I fight?
Fighting leads to drama- we don’t need anymore
But what do we need? More wants and needs? We need common ground
But how? Am I grounded enough to explain this without exploding?
Too late- Now here comes the explosion.
There’s pain and fear in the air now
He’s scared now.what have I done? Is he hurt?
He’s hanging! It’s all my fault and now I can’t reach him
I’m trying to grab him from the ledge but I can’t let go of my ears.
They won’t stop ringing- I hate overthinking…
You see, this is all new to me- Really.
I’ve never been in love and someone was in love with me too
I never meant to blow it, I suck at this
But look! He’s okay.
Love Jones for the first time can be dangerous
You can starve without affection or be smothered in it
what matters is what’s left after the dust settles
and from the looks of things, all we’ve got is each other.
Maybe that was all we needed.
Just You and Me.
I know I know, you’re older now and you’re ready for all the excitement that comes with being a teenager. It seems that Mommy is a little more “In your face” than usual and I know that you aren’t too comfortable talking to her about it… You probably aren’t feeling this either, but I’m dropping it on you anyway. Continue reading “Kicked in the Adolescence: A message for my little sister”